LYT's Fast Food Review: Guacamole Bacon Burger and Holiday Pie


When you bite into an item called the Guacamole Bacon Burger, what two flavors would you expect to dominate?


Granted, this is a bit of a trick question, because regular readers will know I order stuff like this without the bacon. But the item's a bit of a trick too, because it's advertised as a southwestern flavor, and everybody knows that when it comes to fast food, “southwest” is supposed to be shorthand for “chipotle sauce.”


But Wendy's gets stuff wrong all the time. Have ever since Dave Thomas died. Their stupid one-line, one-register policy means ordering takes twice as long as anywhere else, and their belated jump upon the Natural Cut Fries bandwagon is kinda funny. Other chains were doing that some seven years ago...I know this because I remember the conspiracy theories that it was due to the Iraq War and a desire to eliminate the word “French.”


Time, however, sometimes does the trick, and Wendy's Natural Cut Fries (with sea salt!) are actually quite good. Certainly better than the Carl's Jr. version.


Back to the Guacamole Bacon Burger. Wouldja believe that the flavors which dominate this sucker are...pepper jack cheese and ranch dressing? Guac and cheese can work together – they do so all the time in burritos. But guac and ranch? It's like whiskey and water, and nobody drinks that for the water-flavor, ya dig? Ranch is too dominant. This is not a flavor combo that works.


If you're lucky, you'll taste the guacamole a bit at the end, when your bites have liquid injected it into that last remaining air pocket in the spongy Wendy bun. And the burn of the spicy cheese is welcome. The burger meat is up to the company's usual standard – actual meat patties at Wendy's are the best thing going, shame about the lack of creative uses.


With the bacon, would this sandwich have worked? My guess is the guacamole would have been even harder to taste.


Let us move on to more festive things. The McDonald's Holiday Pie is out, and I swear, never has a company so effectively tried to kill me teeth-first. Growing up, a “holiday pie” for me would have involved “mincemeat,” a concoction involving suet and dried fruits. I would have avoided it like the plague, as I remain convinced that one of the reasons America broke away from England was fruitcake. Here, we KNOW it's a disgusting punchline. In the UK, it gets modified slightly to create Christmas Cake, Christmas Pudding, and Mince Pies. Not to mention it's the default choice for wedding cake.


Not our Mickey D's pie. In fact, like the Boston Cream Pie, it rips off a superior (albeit more obsolete) English tradition of the custard pie. Take the flaky pie crust of the standard McDonald's pie, fill with warm, thick custard...then coat in white icing and sprinkles. It's wretched overkill, and I adore it. They're available now.


My apologies for not writing more of these – audience consensus seems to be that the video versions are preferred, yet I have not had time to finish the last one. But I'll be back with at least one more composition before year's end.


And a final note: I would have loved to run a picture of the Bacon Guacamole Burger or the Holiday Pie, but both companies, in their infinite wisdom, have decided not to put photos of their latest promotion on their official websites. Listen, folks, I'm available pretty cheap if you need employees with a brain. And a pre-immunized stomach.


Enjoy the picture of fries instead.


Luke Y. Thompson is an actor, writer, and film critic living in Hollywood.

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