PREDICTING UFC 112: AN IDIOT'S PERSPECTIVE

A big old hello from bustling metropolis that is Spokane, WA.  I’m drinking, taking my flying narcotic of choice (today, as always: Unisom) and attempting to make my way back to LA, so I don’t have a ton of time today for pith and wit.  Some would say, based on my previous works, that I NEVER seem to have time for pith and wit.  To those people I extend I gigantic metaphorical middle finger.  And also ask them not to be so accurate.

If this is your first time joining us for UFC predictions based on a BATH System, a quick review:

As we all know, the darker-skinned people are better than white people – in general – at just about anything that’s even remotely athletic.  Yes, Duke University is a batshit crazy anomaly.  This, however, makes betting on the outcome of UFC fights in which you do not know the combatants (and even for some in which you do) rather easy if you do one thing: Bet Against the Honkee.  As per usual, there are four exceptions to said rule:

1. If the Honkee in question is Georges St-Pierre.

2. If the non-Honkee is Caol Uno.

3. If the non-Honkee is Houston Alexander.

4. If the non-Honkee is Cheick Congo.  Don’t even worry about that last fight.  That was bullshit.

All caught up?  With that in mind, let’s get to a truncated version of An Idiot’s Guide to Predicting UFC 112: SLIGHTLY MORE VINCIBLE THAN INVINCIBLE:

JON MADSEN VS. MUSTAPHA AL TURK

At first glance, this looks simple within the bounds of the BATH System: Al Turk in a friggin’ runaway.  He’s Persian (or something – whatever), his skin is darker, and he’s covered in more hair than a monkey on Rogaine.  Jon Madsen is fat, white, and looks very, very stupid.

But then there’s this: Al Turk has lost two fights in a row.  In his last he was pretty much manhandled by Mirko Cro Cop, and the one before that – glerf – he was beaten by the aforementioned Cheick Congo.  So…welcome to my first busted pick!

PROJECTED WINNER: Mustapha Al Turk (Fuck me.)

PAUL “TELLYS” KELLY VS. MATT VEACH

Ugh, whiteout.  In this situation, it’s always best to go with the guy who’s either A) way more cut or B) doesn’t have a faggy nickname.  In this case, Veach happens to be both.  Makes my pick easy.

PROJECTED WINNER: Matt Veach

DEMARQUES JOHNSON VS. BRAD “BAD” BLACKBURN

Awesome – two of the only four black people on this card are fighting each other.  Similar records (neither good, which is disturbing), similar size…crap.  Well, Blackburn’s blacker and has “Black” in his last name.  That seems safe.

PROJECTED WINNER: Brad Blackety-Black Black Blackerperson

NICK “SLICK” OSIPCZAK VS. RICK “THE HORROR” STORY

Goddamn, these fools are white.  But it’s another easy one: Osipczak is skinny, worried-looking, and has a stupid nickname.  Story is jacked, mean-looking, has a cool nickname, and has a more intimidating record.  Also…it’s just kind of hard to bet against a guy named “Rick” in a fight, isn’t it?  Don’t you just assume Rick is an asshole?  I sure do.

PROJECTED WINNER: Rick “The Horror” Story

ALEXANDER GUSTAFSSON VS. PHIL “MR. WONDERFUL” DAVIS

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  Phil Davis is WICKED black, and Alexander Gustafsson looks exactly like you would expect Alexander Gustafsson to look.  Say goodbye to that perfect 9-0 record, GUSTAFSSON!

PROJECTED WINNER: Phil “Mr. Wonderful” Davis

KENDAL “DA SPYDER” GROVE VS. MARK “THE FILIPINO WRECKING MACHINE” MUNOZ

Kendal Grove is tall (6’ 6”) aaaaaaaand…that’s about it.  Also, did you notice he’s fighting the Filipino Wrecking Machine?  Yeah, so…

PROJECTED WINNER: Mark “The Filipino Wrecking Machine” Munoz

TERRY ETIM VS. RAFAEL DOS ANJOS

What’s with the glaring lack of nicknames this month?  That’s just odd.

Anyway, I’ve never heard of either of these two, and Dos Anjos – or, as we’re calling him at BATH HQ, Two Portuguese Angels – is clearly more ethnic.

PROJECTED WINNER: Rafael Dos Anjos

MATT HUGHES VS. RENZO GRACIE

Do I have any confidence left in Matt Hughes?  Not really.  But this umpteenth Gracie is a special kind of cocky dick, even though he’s never really done anything to be cockily dickish about except be related to more talented people.  That said, I have zero confidence in this pick.

PROJECTED WINNER: Matt Hughes

CO-MAIN EVENT: BJ “THE PRODIGY” PENN VS. FRANKIE “THE ANSWER” EDGAR

Fuckingshitcockassballsmotherdick.  I just saw the result of the last two fights on Yahoo!.  You goddamned assholes.  You goddamned stupid, stupid assholes.

Well, look, I’m going to write this out anyway, and I won’t spoil it.  You can take it for what it’s worth and if you haven’t seen the fight results yet, you can decide later whether or not I was honest.  And then you can tell Yahoo! to suck my penis.

Here’s the deal: BJ Penn doesn’t lose on the lightweight level, and Frankie Edgar is – and I’m stealing this Max Kellerman quote from a boxing undercard a couple weeks ago – as good as you can get without being special.  I’ve just never been impressed by him, even though his hair defies physics.

PROJECTED WINNER: BJ “The Prodigy” Penn

CO-MAIN EVENT: ANDERSON “THE SPIDER” SILVA VS. DEMIAN MAIA

I hate Anderson Silva.  What’s to like about him?  He coasts through most of his fights because he can, he never tries to finish a guy off, he’s needlessly cocky to the point you’d almost think he was French, and he’s basically just a boring fucking personality other than that.  I like Demian Maia to boot.  Kind of.  But Silva, unfortunately, is the best.  He’s too fucking good.  So, infuriatingly, you can’t be against him.

PROJECTED WINNER: Anderson “The Spider” Silva (Gross.)

That’s it for me, kids.  Smoke if you got ‘em – see you next time.

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