A FOLLOW-UP TO AN IDIOT'S UFC PREDICTIONS

Well...son of a bitch.  I went 5 out of 9 in my predictions, including the main card.  That's not bad, but it's not great either.  And you know what that means...now I get to make a bunch of excuses!

First, the original Predictions post is here for your perusal.

The first of these excuses is going to be the most obvious: UFC 110 was a whiteout of Biblical proportions.  I'm really supposed to be able to pick a fight between two unknown honkees?  That is some bullshit, UFC.  You throw some brown people in there and you do it YESTERDAY.  In fact, the more than I think about it, the deck was stacked the hell against me.  Going 5 for 9 was a regular goddamned miracle.

Now that that's out of my system, a fight-by-fight breakdown:

JAMES TE JUNA VS. IGOR POKRAJAC

PROJECTED WINNER: POKRAJAC

ACTUAL WINNER: TE JUNA

This was NOT part of the telecast, and I haven't seen it, so I can't comment on the fight itself.  But in my epic trail of laying blame on everyone but me...I DIDN'T HAVE A PICTURE OF TE JUNA when I wrote the column!  Doesn't that strike you as a severe negative against a fighter if his "team" can't even send a damn picture of him to the people who are paying him to fight?  Fuck you, Camp Te Juna.  Had the picture that's there NOW been up when I did my "research", I would have clearly picked Te Juna.  That's all I'm saying.

On one hand, I refer to the original predictions where I said that Te Juna should probably be the choice because he sounded more ethnic.  On the other hand, I now vow to search the Internets for these bastards on my own before my next round of picks.  Is it going to kill me to not be lazy?  Yes.  But I'm doing it for you, for Christ's sake, so show some enthusiasm.

CB "THE DOBERMAN" DOLLAWAY VS. GORAN RELJIC

PROJECTED WINNER: RELJIC

ACTUAL WINNER: DOLLAWAY

Another fight not part of the telecast.  I can tell you right now, though, that even though I don't know what happened in this fight, I would make the same prediction every time between these two.  Maybe Dollaway totally dominated Reljic.  I don't know.  But one ill-begotten result between two bottom-feeding scrubs is not going to derail the BATH System, people.  And again...THEY'RE BOTH OBVIOUSLY WHITE.  I'm not a fucking magician.

STEPHAN "AMERICAN PSYCHO" BONNAR VS. KRZYSZTOF "THE POLISH EXPERIMENT" SOSZYNSKI

PROJECTED WINNER: SOSZYNSKI

ACTUAL WINNER: SOSZYNSKI

And here comes my run of pure genius.  I took a lot of flack in some random emails and in person for not picking Bonnar.  Everyone seems to like him, and the guy's got a Clay Guida-like chin, but he doesn't impress me as a fighter.  He's a grinder, a workhorse, a piece of snap-back rubber...but he's a guy who hangs around, not a gut who finishes fights.  The Polish Experiment, on the other hand, looked like a genetics experiment gone wrong and treated Bonnar as though he was a dog toy.  And he opened up what would have been the Valedictorian of all gushing forehead wounds on poor Stephan if Cro Cop hadn't accomplished something far ghastlier (more on that in a bit).

CHRIS "LIGHTS OUT" LYTLE VS. BRIAN FOSTER

PROJECTED WINNER: FOSTER

ACTUAL WINNER: LYTLE

OK, so we took a backwards step for a second.  Again...can we talk about how white these motherfuckers were?  Jesus.  Anyway, my defense starts thusly: Foster was positively OWNING Lytle and making him look chumpish for the first three minutes of round one.  However, one must recall what I wrote in my predictions:

"...UFC is like college basketball.  On any given day, any fighter can beat any other fighter.  A lucky punch, a perfect gameplan, a lapse in concentration - any of these can send the favorite sprawling."

While Foster might not have been the favorite (at least I'm guessing he wasn't), he did falter fantastically to "a lapse in concentration".  He had Lytle on the ground, tried to make a move...but Lytle made a much smarter move, got a lock on his leg, and very nearly snapped it in half.  That's what's great about UFC - this shit can and does change on a dime.  Gotta give Lytle credit for slick split-second thinking that got him a win in the midst of a drubbing.  I will remember this when I pick against him the next time out of pure spite.

ELVIS "THE KING OF ROCK AND RUMBLE" SINOSIC VS. CHRIS HASEMAN

PROJECTED WINNER: SINOSIC (Begrudgingly)

ACTUAL WINNER: Probably the fans in Sydney who didn't have to watch them fight.

Honestly, I wasn't looking forward to rooting for Sinosic in the first place - not with that nickname - so I was kind of pleased to find out that this one never even came off.  Does anyone know why?  Mostly I don't care, and that doesn't help with my Too Lazy to Look Shit Up research efforts.

MIRKO CRO COP VS. ANTHONY PEROSH

PROJECTED WINNER: CRO COP (Over a different opponent)

ACTUAL WINNER: CRO COP

Again...anyone know what happened to Rothwell here?  If no one tells me, I'm just going to assume he's in jail for killing his half-brother with an Everclear-filled watermelon.

OK, there's one of two ways to look at this.  The first is that I shouldn't count this pick because I took Cro Cop against a MUCH better opponent than Perosh, the septuagenarian they threw to the wolves in place of Rothwell.  And that scenario makes even more sense after seeing Cro Cop fight, clearly uninterested in being there and breathing like he'd just finished an entire Devil's Food cake before he stepped into the Octagon.

On the other hand, I stuck my neck out there.  And had I seen Perosh before he waddled out there like a mental patient who'd strayed from the hospital, I CLEARLY would have still picked Cro Cop.  I don't think Perosh got one fucking lick in, and I'm not even sure Mirko was medically alive for half the fight.  To make matters worse, Perosh ended up with a gash on his forehead that, due to the thickest cranial skin in the history of mankind, looked like a genuine Head Vagina.  It was flabbergasting in both scope and pure spectacle.  I don't even want to know what kind of industrial-sized equine stitches they needed to sew it together, but I kept thinking about that time when Superman sealed up the San Andreas Fault, and all I'm saying is...I don't think all Superman's powers could have saved the atrocity that befell Anthony Perosh's face on Saturday.

KEITH "THE DEAN OF MEAN" JARDINE VS. RYAN "DARTH" BADER

PROJECTED WINNER: BADER

ACTUAL WINNER: BADER

Two interesting things happened here: first, a game, somewhat lean, quasi-in-shape Jardine showed up for this fight and managed to hold his own...kind of.  Second, we might have seen the first very public, eye-opening performance by one of the UFC's next big names.  Bader was just straight-up impressive.  And Jardine somehow managed to bitch about the stoppage after Bader drilled him with a strong combo, but the Dean of Mean was out on his deranged feet and the ref caught it.  Not much more to say about this one.  It was pretty brutal.

JOE "DADDY" STEVENSON VS. GEORGE SOTIROPOULOS

PROJECTED WINNER: SOTIROPOULOS

ACTUAL WINNER: SOTIROPOULOS

I've been banging the Sotiropoulos drum for a while now after having seen him fight a couple times previous, and George proved my word good by flat-out dismantling "Daddy".  Stevenson, as I figured might happen, brought everything I hate about a fighter to this match: a cocky entrance, a fake-cocky smile, a lackluster gameplan fueled by belief in a talent that isn't nearly what he thinks it is and a poor post-fight attitude.  Outside of Josh Coschek, there's no fighter I will more enjoy seeing hit the mat, painfully splattered in his own blood.  Also, Sotiropoulos is the man.  He's not flashy and he's not pretty, but damn is he good at what he does.

WANDERLAI "THE AXE MURDERER" SILVA VS. MICHAEL "THE COUNT" BISPING

PROJECTED WINNER: BISPING

ACTUAL WINNER: SILVA

Not only the most disappointing fight of the night - both guys appeared timid, afraid to really engage and just generally looking to not lose as oppose to win - but also the most disappointing outcome.

If you saw the fight, you know that this REALLY could have gone either way.  I'd go so far as to say that until the barrage that Wanderlai let go the last 15-20 seconds, Bisping could very well have been winning.  And I think you can even make a case that Bisping still did enough to win DESPITE that last assault, even though it was pretty effective.  Still, all that in mind...I'm not calling foul on the decision.  Even though I didn't WANT it to be the decision, I really can't find fault with it.  I'm only pissed because it ruined my goddamned pick.  And note to self: it's going to be hard to bet on either Bisping or Silva in a fight against anyone ever again.

MAIN CARD: ANTONIO "MINOTAURO" NOGUIERA VS. CAIN VELASQUEZ

PROJECTED WINNER: VELASQUEZ

ACTUAL WINNER: VELASQUEZ

And even with the disappointments in previous fights, we're finally at the point where I celebrate with my Official "SUCK MY DICK, BITCHES!!!!" Moment.

Velasquez is a star.  I'm not saying he's earned a title shot just yet, so don't take this out of context...but I'd be VERY curious to see how he'd handle a rumble with Frank Mir or Brock Lesnar right now.  True, it's hard to say that Velasquez dominated the fight; he also renders my above theory substantiated by ending the fight with, for all intents and purposes, one punch.

However, it would be incorrect to call the punch "lucky", and it would be just as incorrect to dismiss the five shots he landed while Minotauro - obviously no slouch as a fighter - lay sprawled on the canvas.  Velasquez immediately smelled blood in the water and backed up his Mickey One-Punch with a flurry of heavy-handed blows, giving Noguiera ZERO time to recover and get his head back.  Boom.  Match over.

Several of Velasquez's first eight fights have been extremely quick decisions, so you'd like to see him dominate a couple guys over several rounds before declaring him a guaranteed force to be reckoned with.  But you can't argue with the fact that Cain just goes out and beats the living piss out of his opponents, and that counts for a lot.  The only thing I didn't like about him?  The "BROWN PRIDE" tattoo across his collarbone.  Not that I mind the tattoo.  It just felt like he was mocking the Aryan Nation feel the event had.  Are you listening, Dana White?  Brown.  Goddamned.  Pride.  We want to see racial clashes in our UFC matches.  Take notes.

So if you're counting, as noted, I went 5 for 9 in my predictions, including a correct pick on the Main Card.  If I'd seen Te Juna I'd be 6 for 9, and with a lucky break or two I might actually have been 8 for 9.  But I wasn't.  I hit just north of half of the fights correctly.  In a card where every last goddamned jerk was either white as hell or perfectly ethnically matched with his opponent, I hereby claim the BATH System to not only be a patently potent prognostication platform (the power of alliteration...) but myself a prized seer capable of wading through the muck when the BATH System is idiotically laid fallow.

Until next time, then.  We've got two UFC events coming up in March - a UFC Live card on 21 March and UFC 111 on 27 March.  The former features the return of Certified Ridiculous Badass Jon Jones, the latter the painful dismantling of Dan Hardy by Georges St-Pierre.  Will I be addressing both?  Sure, why the hell not.

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