ill LYTeracy - On Shia LaBeouf's Misplaced Apologies

An Open Letter to Shia LaBeouf

Dear Shia, if I may call you that (mainly because I’m never sure if I’m spelling your surname correctly):

I like you. I liked HOLES. I’m not gonna rip you a new one here. But I want you to listen up.

When President Obama went to Europe after being elected, his critics accused him of embarking on an “apology” tour on America’s behalf. One can debate the extent to which such comments were accurate, but what is certain is that they pale in comparison to YOUR recent trip to Europe, during the course of which you’ve felt the need to explicitly, and without equivocation, apologize for TRANSFORMERS 2 and INDIANA JONES 4 (Yes, I know neither one is actually, specifically referred to in the official title by number, but it’s easier, and we all know which movies I’m talking about).

From Yahoo news:

The new script restores a human element that got lost in the second movie, LaBeouf said.

"When I saw the second movie, I wasn't impressed with what we did," LaBeouf said in an interview Thursday at the Cannes Film Festival, where his finance drama "Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps" is premiering. "There were some really wild stunts in it, but the heart was gone."

And then the LA Times movie blog had several money quotes about INDY, including these:

 

"I think the audience is pretty intelligent. I think they know when you've made ... . And I think if you don't acknowledge it, then why do they trust you the next time you're promoting a movie."

“I have a relationship with Steven that supersedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I'm not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. I think he's a genius, and he's given me my whole life. He's done so much great work that there's no need for him to feel vulnerable about one film. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

A cynic would probably point out that you’re talking all this smack while promoting WALL STREET 2, as an Ed Wood-style way of saying “Well, my next one’ll be better!” Apologize for prior sequels to make your next sequel seem really good. Except it probably won’t be; Oliver Stone hasn’t made a good movie in a while, and frankly, no offense dude, but you’re no Charlie Sheen (that’s frequently a good thing. But not in this particular case).

But me, I don’t care about WALL STREET 2 just yet. Nononononononono. I care that you’re talking smack on two movies that ruled, and it makes me really distrust your judgment. I know that among critics I’m in the minority on TRANSFORMERS 2. But the thing made a ton of cash worldwide, and went on to sell a bunch of DVDs, too, suggesting that people liked it enough to want repeat viewings.

I’ve heard all the criticisms: racial stereotype robots, excessive quick cuts, flames on Optimus, robot Heaven, a plot that’s confusing and ultimately not worth keeping track of. You know what criticism I NEVER heard, until you said it? “The heart was gone.” I’ll tell you one I did read a lot on the Internet: These movies should be about the robots, not the people. Human element be damned. You and I both know that those robots are expensive as the dickens to render, which is almost certainly the primary reason why you’re the main character and Optimus Prime isn’t.

So let’s just put this out there: NOBODY who disliked TRANSFORMERS 2, at least that I’ve talked to, disliked it because it didn’t deal sufficiently with Sam Witwicky’s human problems. His dilemma of whether or not to say “I love you” to Mikaela? NOT INTERESTING. There are many things people hated, and yes, some of them retconned themselves into having liked the first one more than they did. But people are not going to these films because of you, or your character. Remember when Michael Bay made T-shirts that read “Giant F**kin’ Robots are coming”? Do you think he’d have sold a single “Sam Witwicky is coming” shirt? To anybody?

So if you talk to Michael Bay any time soon, please tell him I want to see Unicron in the next movie. Not some new human character – I couldn’t give a flying flip that John Malkovich is in it. I want a goddamn planet that turns into a robot. I think most fans are with me on this, if nothing else.

A’ight. Moving on. INDIANA JONES 4, like every prior installment of the series, is exactly what it was conceived as – an action-packed, tongue-in-cheek tribute to the B-movies of the era being represented, in this case ‘50s Red Scare sci-fi. Of course there are aliens and nuclear explosions. Yes, some things in it were preposterous, but let’s review the previous installments:

RAIDERS: Indy hangs on to a submerged Nazi submarine all the way to its island base. Then, he magically knows how to avoid the wrath of divine spirits: you simply don’t look at them.

TEMPLE OF DOOM: Rubber raft for a parachute. Hearts pulled out of chests clean, with no scar. Sacred stones that magically light up, and burn the skin of bad guys only. Blood that turns you evil. Voodoo dolls that actually work.

LAST CRUSADE: The 500-year-old knight. Seriously the lamest stretch in any Indy movie, CRYSTAL SKULL included.

It’s good of you, Shia, to take part of the blame yourself. But actually, you did fine. The movie was what it needed to be; just some of the older fans have grown out of that stuff now.

HOWEVER...While you’re on the apology kick, there are some movies that I really would like you to apologize for. You ready? Okay. I await your heartfelt contrition on behalf of:

DUMB AND DUMBERER: WHEN HARRY MET LLOYD: I actually don’t remember you being in this one, but it was terrible. You’ll never do a worse sequel, however.

CHARLIE’S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE: Ditto to what I said above. If Drew Barrymore won’t apologize, you’re up.

THE BATTLE OF SHAKER HEIGHTS: Until I looked up your imdb page, I had mercifully blotted this one from my memory. Now it’s all flooding back. Make the pain stop.

I, ROBOT/CONSTANTINE: Harrison Ford is old. He needed a sidekick. Will Smith and Keanu Reeves didn’t.

DISTURBIA: I didn’t see it, but my Facebook friend Jeff wants you to apologize for it.

EAGLE EYE: OK, you wanna talk bad robot movies? THIS is the cake-taker. It started off well – regular guy gets caught in a conspiracy as a mysterious voice keeps giving him orders over the phone. Then the mysterious voice turns out to be a defense department computer that has attained sentience, and is female to boot. Can’t even transform into anything! If you’re gonna go that dumb, be blatant. Michael Bay knows this.

WALL STREET 2: Even if it’s good, I just want an apology for Charlie Sheen not being the main character again.

I know you’re a friend of the site, Shia, so I will take sole responsibility for this article. But hey...when you drop the ball, you drop the ball.

Right?

Yours, in hopes of an awesome TRANSFORMERS 3,

LYT

Luke Y. Thompson is an actor, writer, and film critic living in Hollywood.