Do I care who directs the final TWILIGHT movie (or two, depending on whether or not they break BREAKING DAWN in half)? Not really. I didn’t see NEW MOON, and probably will give ECLIPSE a miss as well. But because I like to know what’s going on in the world of movies, even when it comes to movies I don’t especially like, I have been following some of the talk.
I actually thought Catherine Hardwicke did okay with the first one during the high-school stuff that most closely resembled the sort of thing she’s naturally good at, but then faltered when the goofy supernatural stuff took over; though, in fairness, I’m not sure anyone could make the sparkly, inconsistent bloodsuckers of the story into anything cool. I, like many others, enjoyed Devin Faraci’s suggestion that David Cronenberg do the final flick, but there’s no way in Mormon hell that will happen.
I have what I think is an even better suggestion, though I cannot take credit for the initial idea spark – an Ain’t It Cool talk-backer named “therootstheroots” first brought up this name, and the more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed.
Give BREAKING DAWN to Tommy Wiseau.
Those of you who know what I’m talking about can probably skip the video portions of this column. For those who don’t, Wiseau is the director and star of the cult hit THE ROOM, which plays once a month in L.A. on five screens, and sells out every show. Apparently conceived as an awards-worthy romantic tragedy, THE ROOM is one of the funniest movies of the past decade, largely due to Wiseau’s inconsistent acting, bizarre accent and appearance, and complete inability to understand how actual human beings think, speak, and interact. With 20/20 hindsight, he will tell you that these were all deliberate choices designed to make you react. But then, he also claims to be American. If you haven’t seen the movie, here’s a pretty good fan-made montage that conveys a representative sense of the thing:
Okay, so I know what you’re thinking: “You’re just saying that because you think TWILIGHT sucks, and THE ROOM sucks too!” Au contraire. First of all, I think THE ROOM is AWESOME. Secondly, yes, I do think the first TWILIGHT movie kinda sucks, but I have a much more detailed case to make that Tommy is the man. To start with, he shares the same fashion sense as Jacob:
It is also common knowledge among those who’ve attended Wiseau Q&As that he wants his next movie to be a vampire movie. If his usual approach to the subject is any indication, he probably doesn’t know much about vampires, aside from the fact that he looks like one. And TWILIGHT author Stephenie Meyer doesn’t either. So that’s also a plus. Meyer is a Mormon, and thus doesn’t approve of drinking alcohol (as evidenced by the first movie, she thinks the term “cold one” refers to a demon). Wiseau...well, watch to the end of this clip:
Meyer’s books are also widely seen as abstinence parables, which scare horny teens away from pre-marital sex by comparing the sex drive to fatal bloodlust. Wiseau leads by example on this, shooting terrifying scenes of himself having pre-marital sex:
Meyer’s vampires have inconsistent, illogical powers. THE ROOM has an inconsistent, illogical story. One of TWILIGHT’s out-of-nowhere touches is to have the vampires suddenly demonstrate a fascination for baseball. Wiseau does something similar...
TWILIGHT introduces large numbers of characters whose names and relationships to each other are hard for the novice to keep straight. Wiseau knows an ingenious narrative device that would easily remedy this:
TWILIGHT is about a sensitive soul named Edward, who is trapped in the undead body of a savage beast. He protects his true love, Bella, by having his family tear an evil vampire limb from limb. THE ROOM is about a sensitive soul named Johnny, who has a hideous naked body and looks like a beast. He becomes dead, and protects himself from the cruel world we live in when his true love, Lisa, “TEARS HIM APAAAART!”
TWILIGHT spawned an unlikely line of action figures, marketed to a demographic which doesn’t usually collect such things. THE ROOM is on its way:
Most importantly, TWILIGHT was a movie that made me want to yell and throw things at the screen. Wiseau, with his mantra of "You can cry, you can laugh, you can express yourself...but please don't hurt each other" would actively encourage such participation.
Make the deal now, Summit.