What Classic 8 Bit Video Game Characters Would REALLY Look Like
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Jan 6 2010, 10:01 AM
Take a look at these iconic 8 bit characters from video game's past and see what they would look like translated from their 8 bit looks into modern day sketching. (Source:Cracked.com)
Q-Bert
The proportions for the Q-Bert as put forth by the game itself are clearly unrealistic: For a creature of the Q-Bert’s relative size to remain bipedal, the legs would have to be much longer and the body a bit sleeker. This build can be seen on several other existing animals, such as the ostrich or emu. The nose, or “trunk” is clearly a similar appendage to that of the anteater, however, the opening is far too large for the two creatures to share a similar food source. The Q-Bert probably needs a nutrition source much higher in protein to maintain its famously manic energy level (the only means of locomotion for the creature is constantly hopping, and it is frequently found leaping up and down what appear to be Mayan Ziggurats while swearing prolifically at snakes).
When taking into account both the relative size of its “trunk opening” and the dietary needs required to sustain such a creature’s lifestyle, we can deduce both that the Q-Bert is a carnivore, and that its diet is mostly rodents, small-to-medium sized mammals such as rabbits and the occasional young offspring of larger prey animals. In short, the Q-Bert is most likely a carnivorous, earthbound bird-like creature that eats adorable woodland creatures while calling you a (insert dirt word here...)
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Mega Man
It’s commonly assumed that Mega Man was an accurate simuloid of a human, and the rather bizarre, infantile appearance of the robot in the actual games is chalked up to the limited graphic capabilities of yesteryear. But keep in mind that modern-day androids designed only to accomplish one task–to look human–still fail catastrophically at doing so. They always fall into the realm of unsettling disbelief we call “the uncanny valley.” For an android of Mega Man’s functionality–specifically a hunter/killer of rogue robots–it is unlikely that appearance was a primary consideration; functionality would be valued much higher than the ability to pass as human. Specifically, the functionality to steal other robots weapons and ironically beat them to death with their own devices.
Its facial features are roughly 70 percent eyes. Being a visually oriented hunter, this is clearly a valuable asset. We can also see the relative size of the mouth is greatly exaggerated. This suggests the Mega Man robot was likely powered on some sort of bioreactor, where the gaping mouth would allow the maximum flexibility in consuming energy sources. Look at the size of the energy containers, for example: They are roughly the width of his entire body. In order to consume power-ups like these, the Mega Man must have had the ability to unhinge its jaw, much like a snake, to accommodate the largest possible energy refills.
The non-gun hand is often interpreted as a balled fist, but another quick glance at the sprite itself will quickly disprove this theory: The “hand” in question is clearly a tapering shape that bends up and forward, reaching out from the forearm. This “hand” is probably something akin to a lobster-like fleshy claw in actuality. This makes design sense as well, as it would be ideal for crude grappling, and capable of the crushing force a hunter/killer robot would need to pierce armor plating. By looking at the original sprite, one can also see that he apparently has a floppy blue dong on his helmet. The relevance of this last fact is debatable, but just try to unsee it.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Link
Link, like Mega Man, is another victim of humanity’s tendency to anthropomorphize. Yes, he is most certainly a humanoid creature, but that does not mean his many grotesque mutations from the human form can simply be ignored. Let’s begin with the ears: Notice where they are situated on the head. They are not centrally located on the side of the cranium like a human ear. They actually seem to sprout from each side of his lower jaw, and rise up and backward from there. The eyes appear to be delineated into two separate sections and are more vertically oriented than a man’s. Rather than explain this away by saying it was simply a baffling attempt at depicting a pupil and iris using only two pixels, it is probable that we are actually dealing with two separate sets of eyes.
The general conception of Link is that of a thin, short-statured boy. While the “short” descriptor is likely true, the “thinness” is probably just an idealization of form. In-game, Link is depicted as a formidably stout, thick creature. His limbs are far shorter than a human’s, the torso is full and squat; this build is more like that of a badger or wolverine than a primate. This body-shape would give him maximum leverage (which makes logical sense when you consider that most of Link’s time is spent pushing and pulling heavy stones), as well as enhanced stability when facing aerial or jumping foes, like those fucking asshole spider things that always show up when you have half a heart left and you’ve been listening to that goddamn beeping for like an hour now and you finally - finally- cracked open a pot with a heart in it, only to die at the last possible second from getting pogoed on by a frickin’ jacked-up crab.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Pac-Man
Much like a shark, Pac-Man was a predator who relied on his mouth as his sole source of attack. This would put the tender areas of his face in danger, so it’s likely that his large, black, shark-like eyes would also have the shark’s trademark filmy secondary eyelid to close over before striking. Though he was a fearsome hunter, Pac-Man was also an omnivore–he fed off live prey as well as vegetation.
Therefore he probably had a set of teeth quite similar to a human’s: Longer, sharper incisors to the front, with molars to the rear. Because Pac-Man didn’t have the razor-sharp claws or other grabbing capabilities we see in most land-based predators, he probably ate most like a snake. This connection strengthens when you notice his trademark gaping maw, which allowed him to swallow prey more quickly and use his stomach to do most of the digesting. This also accounts for the unusual shape of Pac-Man: We’re only familiar with the fuller, rounder body because his handlers obviously wanted to use a sedated, well-fed creature during gameplay to help limit aggression and the potential for violence. In reality, the version we are accustomed to would only be seen in a creature that had recently caught a meal. Between feedings, Pac-Man’s bulk would be in the form of a deflated cylindrical trail of loose skin, most resembling a used skin-condom.
The Pac-Man’s primary food source, it should be noted, is the souls of the recently deceased. When grandpa “passes on,” it’s possible that instead of “going to a better place” he is actually quickly chased down a dark, twisting crypt corridor by an orb of teeth, before ultimately being torn apart and digested; only his eyeballs left to be callously crapped out onto the cold stone floor.
Take a look at these iconic 8 bit characters from video game's past and see what they would look like translated from their 8 bit looks into modern day sketching. (Source:Cracked.com)
Q-Bert
The proportions for the Q-Bert as put forth by the game itself are clearly unrealistic: For a creature of the Q-Bert’s relative size to remain bipedal, the legs would have to be much longer and the body a bit sleeker. This build can be seen on several other existing animals, such as the ostrich or emu. The nose, or “trunk” is clearly a similar appendage to that of the anteater, however, the opening is far too large for the two creatures to share a similar food source. The Q-Bert probably needs a nutrition source much higher in protein to maintain its famously manic energy level (the only means of locomotion for the creature is constantly hopping, and it is frequently found leaping up and down what appear to be Mayan Ziggurats while swearing prolifically at snakes).
When taking into account both the relative size of its “trunk opening” and the dietary needs required to sustain such a creature’s lifestyle, we can deduce both that the Q-Bert is a carnivore, and that its diet is mostly rodents, small-to-medium sized mammals such as rabbits and the occasional young offspring of larger prey animals. In short, the Q-Bert is most likely a carnivorous, earthbound bird-like creature that eats adorable woodland creatures while calling you a (insert dirt word here...)
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Mega Man
It’s commonly assumed that Mega Man was an accurate simuloid of a human, and the rather bizarre, infantile appearance of the robot in the actual games is chalked up to the limited graphic capabilities of yesteryear. But keep in mind that modern-day androids designed only to accomplish one task–to look human–still fail catastrophically at doing so. They always fall into the realm of unsettling disbelief we call “the uncanny valley.” For an android of Mega Man’s functionality–specifically a hunter/killer of rogue robots–it is unlikely that appearance was a primary consideration; functionality would be valued much higher than the ability to pass as human. Specifically, the functionality to steal other robots weapons and ironically beat them to death with their own devices.
Its facial features are roughly 70 percent eyes. Being a visually oriented hunter, this is clearly a valuable asset. We can also see the relative size of the mouth is greatly exaggerated. This suggests the Mega Man robot was likely powered on some sort of bioreactor, where the gaping mouth would allow the maximum flexibility in consuming energy sources. Look at the size of the energy containers, for example: They are roughly the width of his entire body. In order to consume power-ups like these, the Mega Man must have had the ability to unhinge its jaw, much like a snake, to accommodate the largest possible energy refills.
The non-gun hand is often interpreted as a balled fist, but another quick glance at the sprite itself will quickly disprove this theory: The “hand” in question is clearly a tapering shape that bends up and forward, reaching out from the forearm. This “hand” is probably something akin to a lobster-like fleshy claw in actuality. This makes design sense as well, as it would be ideal for crude grappling, and capable of the crushing force a hunter/killer robot would need to pierce armor plating. By looking at the original sprite, one can also see that he apparently has a floppy blue dong on his helmet. The relevance of this last fact is debatable, but just try to unsee it.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Link
Link, like Mega Man, is another victim of humanity’s tendency to anthropomorphize. Yes, he is most certainly a humanoid creature, but that does not mean his many grotesque mutations from the human form can simply be ignored. Let’s begin with the ears: Notice where they are situated on the head. They are not centrally located on the side of the cranium like a human ear. They actually seem to sprout from each side of his lower jaw, and rise up and backward from there. The eyes appear to be delineated into two separate sections and are more vertically oriented than a man’s. Rather than explain this away by saying it was simply a baffling attempt at depicting a pupil and iris using only two pixels, it is probable that we are actually dealing with two separate sets of eyes.
The general conception of Link is that of a thin, short-statured boy. While the “short” descriptor is likely true, the “thinness” is probably just an idealization of form. In-game, Link is depicted as a formidably stout, thick creature. His limbs are far shorter than a human’s, the torso is full and squat; this build is more like that of a badger or wolverine than a primate. This body-shape would give him maximum leverage (which makes logical sense when you consider that most of Link’s time is spent pushing and pulling heavy stones), as well as enhanced stability when facing aerial or jumping foes, like those fucking asshole spider things that always show up when you have half a heart left and you’ve been listening to that goddamn beeping for like an hour now and you finally - finally- cracked open a pot with a heart in it, only to die at the last possible second from getting pogoed on by a frickin’ jacked-up crab.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Pac-Man
Much like a shark, Pac-Man was a predator who relied on his mouth as his sole source of attack. This would put the tender areas of his face in danger, so it’s likely that his large, black, shark-like eyes would also have the shark’s trademark filmy secondary eyelid to close over before striking. Though he was a fearsome hunter, Pac-Man was also an omnivore–he fed off live prey as well as vegetation.
Therefore he probably had a set of teeth quite similar to a human’s: Longer, sharper incisors to the front, with molars to the rear. Because Pac-Man didn’t have the razor-sharp claws or other grabbing capabilities we see in most land-based predators, he probably ate most like a snake. This connection strengthens when you notice his trademark gaping maw, which allowed him to swallow prey more quickly and use his stomach to do most of the digesting. This also accounts for the unusual shape of Pac-Man: We’re only familiar with the fuller, rounder body because his handlers obviously wanted to use a sedated, well-fed creature during gameplay to help limit aggression and the potential for violence. In reality, the version we are accustomed to would only be seen in a creature that had recently caught a meal. Between feedings, Pac-Man’s bulk would be in the form of a deflated cylindrical trail of loose skin, most resembling a used skin-condom.
The Pac-Man’s primary food source, it should be noted, is the souls of the recently deceased. When grandpa “passes on,” it’s possible that instead of “going to a better place” he is actually quickly chased down a dark, twisting crypt corridor by an orb of teeth, before ultimately being torn apart and digested; only his eyeballs left to be callously crapped out onto the cold stone floor.
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