Giving new meaning to the term "Different Strokes", Gary Coleman's penis is getting some ink lately in The Los Angeles Times.
Coleman recently agreed to participate in a documentary called MIDGETS VS MASCOTS. No, this isn't Ken Burns' next Peabody Award-Winning project. It is in fact, a JACK-ASS like competition where little people, like Coleman, take on mascots for a million dollar prize. If that concept doesn't hook you, then the opportunity to see Coleman's sacred "what-you-talkin'-about-Willis" certainly will. Apparently, Coleman attempted to break up a locker room fight (possibly staged?) and had his dangling dill pickle captured on film.
Forget the fact that Coleman's penis doesn't have anything to do with the documentary, the producers thinking they've struck gold with footage to rival the Zapruder film decide to keep it in anyways. Coleman flies to Los Angeles to prevent the footage from airing, but then ends up in the hospital after having a seizure. Now after less than a day out of the hospital, Coleman finds out the footage of his penis will be going public whether he likes it or not. And you thought you were having a bad week?
The producers, part of a company called RCMVM released the following statement, "With regards to Gary Coleman's displeasure with a scene in the film in which he briefly shows full frontal nudity, the producers of the film have multiple contracts -- signed by Gary -- which give the filmmakers full rights and permissions to shoot any and all footage, including nudity, during the making of the film. Therefore, we have no plans to remove that particular scene from the film."
Enter the great Scottie Pippen who also participated in MIDGETS VS. MASCOTS and is displeased with the filmmakers. His camp released a statement also: "Given the recent controversy surrounding Gary Coleman, the fact that I've been repeatedly asked questions about my small part in the movie 'Midgets vs. Mascots,' and a related video posted online which shows me being assaulted by a group of Little People, I want to clear up any misunderstandings. In 2008, I agreed to play a cameo role in a movie titled 'A Tribute to Big Red' (now titled 'Midgets vs. Mascots'). My role was scripted, and the first two scenes went off without any problems. During the third scene, I was told that four Little People, along with actor Gary Coleman, were going to become angry with something I said and storm off as the scene ends. Instead, they basically attacked me, with Gary Coleman apparently climbing on a chair behind me to hit me over the head with a phone (twice). A short fight ensued before I heard the film's director yell 'cut.' As I recall, some of the Little People were laughing as the director explained that the scene was 'sort of like an episode of the TV show 'Punk'd'. At that point, I left quickly without a clear understanding of what was going on. As for the Little Person who claims he was injured in the attack, I really don't think I caused the injury or can be held to blame. To the best of my knowledge, there is no action being taken against me, nor am I pursuing any action. For the record, I have never seen the movie and, in hindsight, wish I'd not been involved with it. I simply wanted to make clear my role and position as I understand the movie is coming out soon. I will not be answering any further questions regarding the film."
This certainly won't be the last we hear of the little man and his little man. I'm sure more statements will be released as the saga of Gary Coleman's penis continues to play out with the narrative complexity of THE GODFATHER trilogy. I nominate Sofia Coppola's nose for the role of Coleman's penis.